Solving Problems on Your Own

SUGGESTIONS FOR SOLVING PROBLEMS

Disputes are the end result of individuals or groups being unable to solve problems. In marriages and more frequently in divorces, couples often have difficulties solving problems. For marriages to remain in tact, people find ways to solve problems, sometimes with outside assistance, such as counseling. They do this because they have a mutual goal of wanting to preserve the marriage.

When divorces occur, couples often feel there is no longer any mutual goal and therefore, have less incentive or find it more difficult to solve problems on their own and will turn to the Courts to make decisions for them. This is typically experienced, by at least one of the parties, as very unpleasant. It is time consuming, it is expensive and one of the parties will leave the court process feeling as if they lost.

Even after the divorce, when children are involved, parents still find that problems related to children issues, will occur from time to time and will often return to court to re-engage in the same court process, again with similar results, with one of the parties feeling as if they lost.

Divorcing or divorced parents should understand that their children will be better off if parents can solve their own problems in some cooperative manner without the acrimony of court intervention. Generally speaking, children are unable to escape having some exposure to parental conflict. It is not enough that they do not personally witness conflict between parents. Body language, emotions, tonal quality in simple conversations with them and other non-intended behavioral tendencies are all traits that children can and often do pick up on that alerts them to ongoing parental conflict.

Therefore, when problems occur, I suggest that parents develop a process to solve problems that does not have to involve turning to the courts. The very first step is to determine which of parent will assume the initial responsibility of trying to solve the problem. If you can do this successfully, you can minimize, if not eliminate, the conflict.

These are the steps you should follow and my suggestions as to how the problems can be most effectively addressed:

Ask yourself, what exactly is the problem. If you can, try to identify the problem without assigning blame. For instance, rather than say, Bill never brings the children home on time, the problem should be identified as The children are not getting home when I expect them.
Then ask who has the upset feelings about the problem. Is it you, the other parent or the children?
This third step might be a little more difficult but start this step by asking Who brought up the issue? This is sometimes hard to answer since very often it seems that issues are raised simultaneously. Also, if you are working through this process and have reached this step it may tend to feel that you are always the only one raising the issue. Keep in mind that only one person can bring up an issue at a time and it's usually the person who verbalized it first.
The last step is Who is responsible for the solution?. Nearly always, the same person's name will appear in step 2 and 3. That is the person who is then responsible for working on the solution. It will be you, the other parent or your children.

Here then are the suggestions for the person whose name ends up in Step 4.

If it is you, first ask yourself, is it really worth trying to solve. It may have been an isolated incident. It may require more effort or cause more difficulty than the benefit the solution would produce. Remember, you and only you are in control of whether you engage in any effort to produce a solution or simply just let it go.

If you have decided to try to solve the problem, then before you approach the other parent, create a plan of action. When doing that, consider that your children are your most valuable assets and the other parent is a business or client with whom you must work in order to keep those assets intact. As you prepare to meet or discuss the problem with the other parent, ask yourself, if this were a client to whom you were trying to sell something, or if he had a million-dollar account that you wanted to secure, how would you handle the discussion?

Always use I language and not You language. When you use You language you are generally either accusing or blaming. For instance, You never bring the children home on time. An I message might be, I get upset when I am inconvenienced by the children not being home when I thought they were supposed to be. Don't end up combining the two however. For instance don't say, I get upset when you are so inconsiderate and are always late.

Also, try to avoid using always and never. Things are rarely always or never and saying they are usually inflames the other person.

When it is the other parent whose name appears in Step 4 follow these suggestions:

When they talk to you, respond, don't react.
Don't be pressured into responding too quickly. If necessary postpone the discussion until you are in control of your thoughts and can respond effectively.
Listen to what is being said. Try to understand his/her point of view. Put yourself in their position.
Be polite, even if the other parent is not.
Watch the tone of your voice.
Be willing to brainstorm possible solutions that might work for both of you.
If you do all of the things above and it still hasn't worked, then don't forget that it is not your problem to solve and don't be afraid to stand your ground.

Finally, if it is your child's name who appears in Step 4, then keep these suggestions in mind:

Follow the same steps above if your child's problem is with you. If it is with the other parent then:
Try not to make it your problem. It should only become your problem if your child is totally incapable because of age or comprehension to assist in the problem solving process or if it involves issues of legally defined child abuse.
Listen to your child's problem neutrally. You can show empathy and at appropriate times even show sympathy, but you should not become their ally. It is not us against him/her.
Don't forget that children can manipulate and be cautious about being taken in.
Help them brainstorm. For instance:
Have you thought about................

What do you think would happen if you did.........

I wonder if..............would work
Be careful with advice. Sometimes your own bias will color your advice and that isn't necessarily helpful.
Help them consider potential consequences to any proposed course of action. Sometimes, they too need to consider whether just letting it go is a better course.

These suggestions are easy to make and difficult to apply. You have to be willing to work at it. They are perhaps oversimplified here. In my role as Special Master or a Mediator, I am willing, if both of you want, to meet with you together and see if between the three of us, we can come up with some solutions that will help you create a better process for solving problems on your own.